“Celtic man” Keevins really does sound like the “broken record” of Scottish journalism in this morning’s latest offering of drivel.

I discussed in my last article how Nigel “I’ve never won anything in football” Reo-Coker said Celtic’s European performances were like a “broken record”.

Well, this morning, the ultimate “broken record” is at it again.

Hugh Keevins genuinely sounds like one every Sunday morning.

In fact, he really epitomises how everything about Scottish football is like a “broken record”, with him at the top of the scratched vinyl rankings.

I wonder if this spoofer, who masquerades as a journalist and claims he is a “Celtic man”, knows that I have my own dedicated parody of him?

My last foray into the world of parody resulted in a huge response.

You can read it here.

What’s actually so amusing is that many of the people who read it actually believe it is Hugh Keevins.

Those who know it’s satire appreciate it for what it is, and these “exclusives” are beginning to gain a cult following.

Anyway, back to the subject on hand, Keevins’ latest offering on the “crisis” over at Ibrox.

Well, he’s definitely returned to the battered, dog eared note book that he keeps for all of his little pearls of wisdom.

Hands up anyone who has heard these ones before?

Scatter Gun.

Human sacrifice.

Revolution.

Fury of fans.

Uprising.

Mutual loathing.

Anyone? Anyone?

Yeah, I thought as much.

Keevins claims to know the Scottish game inside out.

The reality is, he knows very little about it.

His predictions on Superscoreboard show us that week in week out.

Especially when it comes to Celtic.

But this particular paragraph in this morning’s article really shows his lack of knowledge, or ignorance, whichever you want to call it, towards the game in Scotland:

This afternoon R*****s are facing one of only two teams – Celtic being the other one – to be still undefeated in the Premiership this season. The interim management team of Steve Davis and Alex Rae have been turned into human sacrifices for the occasion. And if yet more ground is lost to Celtic in the title race they will not escape the fury of fans on the verge of revolution. The notion of uprising occurred to me when one caller to the radio said Ibrox captain James Tavernier should “Get back in his Lamborghini” and drive home to England. I have no idea if that is Tavernier’s vehicle of choice, but I am told it is. When results are bad and supporters become resentful about what players earn, while referencing their material possessions, it is a reliable barometer of unrest.

To start with, I personally have no issue with Steven Davis and Alex “the undertaker” Rae being termed as human sacrifices.

Unfortunately, this is football we’re talking about, not the brewing war in Palestine.

No management team has ever been offered as a human sacrifice for failing to win football games, despite Keevins’ constant ramblings to that effect.

They may have sacrificed their jobs, but that’s about it.

But here’s the really interesting part of this paragraph, the bit where he says, “And if yet more ground is lost to Celtic in the title race they will not escape the fury of fans on the verge of revolution”.

Are these the fans of the Ibrox club we’re talking about?

The same fans that allowed their club to die?

On the verge of revolution?

I don’t think so.

If they didn’t revolt in 2012, they won’t revolt now.

These fans don’t do revolution Hugh, you should know that by now.

No, instead, they have a board that is in thrall to them.

They shout, and they boo, and they gesticulate, but they never revolt.

Because in the end, they always get what they want.

However, in time, they always find out, to their detriment, that what they wanted is never actually quite what they wanted.

Exhibit 1 – Michael Beale.

They wanted him.

They got him.

Then they didn’t want him anymore.

Cue boos, shouting, gesticulating.

And so it goes.

If Hugh Keevins read the game in Scotland properly, these are things he would know.

There is no such thing as a revolution at Ibrox.

I’ll leave you with this pearl of wisdom from Keevins:

The new R*****s manager will need to appreciate there must be no mental frailty and no reconciliation with the other lot under any circumstances.

There is no time to be lost, no quarter to be given and there will be no forgiveness for failure. The only problem is, under these vexatious circumstances, there will be players who are new to the country and feeling queasy in the midst of mayhem. Cyprus offered an insight into those struggling to cope with mounting pressure. And we’ll definitely be able to tell the traumatised from the incentivised when the game starts in Paisley at noon.

The new Ibrox manager will eventually end up in the same place as all those who went before him.

He will be on a hiding to nothing.

You cannot compete with a financial juggernaut that keeps you at arms length, and then delivers the killer blow whenever it needs to.

The Ibrox side are just another part of the “broken record” fitba culture in Scotland.

Unless they change their attitude and their outlook, this will continue to be their lot.

And we all know that will never happen.

As for the “vexatious circumstances” the Ibrox players new to this country face, I think vexatious may be too mild a terminology.

I think “insane circumstances” would be more apt.

Because they are playing for a club that is insane.

They keep trying to do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

Just like Hugh Keevins on a Sunday morning.

But in the end, the results are always the same.

The Ibrox side will always be simply the second best.

And Hugh Keevins will always be a brutal journalist.