A Kew Heavins exclusive: Christmas comes early at Ibrox, while the ghost of Christmas past visits Celtic Park
Eric Knott 
Ian MacNicol/Getty Images Sport
As you all know, I’m not a great lover of Christmas, no, I tend to lean more towards the Bah, humbug, side of things.
Christmas has become a commercialised load of hodge podge.
For an old codger like me, about the only thing left that gives me pleasure is a flaming whisky doused Christmas pudding, after being stuffed with Mrs. Heavins’ speciality Turkey and Ham dinner.
She tends to be a bit heavy on the brussels sprouts, which has lethal results for me.
I know I tend to talk a lot out of my backside, but it’s like verbal diarrhoea after a feed of Mrs. Heavins’ sprouts, I can tell you.
If I’m lucky, I don’t end being heavin’ by nature, rather than Heavins by name!
Anyway, by the time I’m done on Christmas night, a wee dram of whisky winds the night down nicely.
Which brings me nicely along to today’s subject.
The small matter of the upcoming Hogmanay O** F*** derby.
For Celtic, it looks like the Ghost of Christmas past has come back to haunt them.
Christmas 2020 to be precise.
Many Celtic fans I meet on the street, when they don’t run a mile from me that is, are telling me that they feel like they’re facing a re-run of 2020/21.
Of course, we’ve all learned that that bunch of reprobates, the stain on Scotland’s game, the Green Brigade will be back at Celtic Park tomorrow.
Many fans think this is the solution to the malaise the club now finds itself in.
Absolute hogwash.
In my esteemed opinion, these mindless, braindead morons should not be allowed anywhere near a football match.
And as you all know, my opinion is very well respected in fitba circles, especially at Christmas.
My 93 years of knowledge is second to none, although I find lately…….
What do I find lately?
What was I talking about?
Ah yes, that the Ibrox side are going to win this season’s title.
This is, of course, because the Messiah has come to them this Christmas.
None other than Philippe Clement.
Surrounded by his angelic angels, the Scottish refereeing fraternity.
Each of whom, step onto the field of play with no bias towards any club whatsoever.
With one mission only, to deliver the highest, non biased, standard of refereeing in the world.
One could make a Christmas hymn about that….
I digress.
He has already delivered an early Christmas gift in the form of the League Cup.
There is no doubting he will deliver a Hogmanay O** F*** win on top of his early Christmas gift.
Celtic are on the ropes.
A spent force.
Brendan Rodgers is a shadow of the man he used to be.
Instead, he is now a quiet, passive automaton.
If I didn’t know better, I’d almost think the real Brendan Rodgers has been replaced by a clone controlled by Peter Lawwell.
After all, Dermot Desmond is a billionaire.
How are we to know he has not invested in the latest clone technology?
He can well afford it.
I’ve often been told that I have a clone called Hugh Keevins.
Who apparently writes a load of drivel in the Sunday Mail every Saturday.
Which is strange, because how does he write in the Sunday Mail on a Saturday?
But as I was saying, how do we know Dermot Desmond hasn’t invested heavily in cloning technology?
I mean, how are we to know that the Green Brigade will be the real Green Brigade tomorrow?
They could all be clones too.
I suppose we’ll know for sure if they start singing songs in praise of Dermot Desmond and Peter Lawwell tomorrow, won’t we?
Most Celtic fans will tell you it’s all a conspiracy to ensure that O** F*** inc. remains alive and well.
If you ask me, they’re all paranoid.
They’ve always been paranoid, and there’s nothing paranoid at all about anything I’ve just written today.
We don’t do paranoid in this column, just well researched facts, and excellent, reliable predictions.
And on that note, if you’re a betting man, and you’ve no issue betting your house on my predictions, here’s a couple of beauties:
Celtic will lose to Livingston tomorrow.
Celtic will lose to the Ibrox side in the Hogmanay O** F***.
Brendan Rodgers will NOT get the sack, because he’s not the real Brendan Rodgers.
He’s a clone, sent to do Peter Lawwell’s bidding, and I’ve decided to make that a prediction too.
Saint Philippe of Clement will win the treble for the Ibrox side and the Europa League.
Why do I think that?
Because It’s Christmas and I’m the gift that keeps on giving.
A very Merry Christmas to you and yours.
Don’t forget to bet your house on my predictions.
Guaranteed to make it the best Christmas ever!
Aodhán Ó Conchobhair 
Talk more shit than the real high keevins
Oh my, looks like your not the only humbug I think Benjy is a trifle upset or maybe a xmas pudding annoyed. As always I find it hilarious generally more so because the comments come from those who have no idear who the grim reaper of xmas past is. Merry Xmas
Var video advantage rangers
You’s are all hurting falling out with each other now . seen this script before somewhere and I’m loving it 😄😄😄 let’s all kick off with a beautiful Sunday .