So, I’ve done my usual round of the Sunday morning papers, and finally I come to Keevins’ article in the Sunday Mail.

It’s titled as follows:

R*****s are family at war with bad blood everywhere and street fighter Dave King is back in the brawl

I’m not even through the first paragraph and the hackles go up.

Keevins claims himself to be a “Celtic man”, he goes on about pictures of Charlie Tully on his living room wall, and expects us to believe his allegiances lie with our club.

In reality, he likes to consider himself a hurler on the ditch, as they say in Ireland.

Watching what goes on around him, but showing no willingness to get heavily involved in either side’s disputes.

Except that he does.

And he does it in a way he knows will piss off both sets of supporters in Glasgow’s oldest rivalry.

In effect, he is an opinionated person who offers unsolicited and often unwanted advice on the best way to handle a situation.

Often unsolicited and unwanted advice generally does nothing but wind people up.

And Keevins is an unmitigated wind up merchant.

But you know the thing about wind up merchants who are good at winding people up?

Most of them use humour in their wind ups.

Something Keevins is sorely lacking.

Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent here, have a look at that first paragraph and you’ll see what’s winding me up:

Ally McCoist wasn’t trying to scientifically calculate the depth of Rangers’ difficulties when he spoke about the club’s various predicaments.

He went for the non-scientific, words-of-one-syllable approach when he simply but emphatically declared his old club were “in a state”. And as one who was Ibrox manager when liquidation followed administration, along with subsequent demotion and commotion, Ally’s assessment of the current situation is not to be dismissed lightly.

Rangers 1872 were not demoted, they were liquidated, and Keevins clearly understands neither

You cannot use liquidation in a sentence, and then follow it with demoted.

To liquidate something is to kill it.

Therefore, by it’s very definition it is dead, there is nothing left.

You cannot demote something that no longer exists.

But Keevins thinks that you can, and he is happy to feed and facilitate the liquidation lie.

So, that’s the start of this journalistic masterpiece over with.

As it continues, it becomes as farcical in it’s language, as it is stupid.

Have a look at this:

King is a street fighter who learned to be combative while, like a large proportion of the Rangers support, being brought up in a Glasgow housing scheme. That’s why the main thrust of his astonishing attack on the current board at Ibrox pressed all their buttons concerning Celtic and the possibility of history being rewritten by them, in terms of trophy winning, in the years to come.

Before I go any further, compare and contrast the below images:

This is Guile from Street fighter, he’s a make believe Street Fighter, but he looks the part.

This is Dave King, Hugh Keevins says he’s a street fighter, which is about as make believe as Guile out of Street fighter.

And he sure as shit doesn’t look the part.

In reality a real Street fighter has common sense.

A real Street fighter wouldn’t get caught on 80 counts of tax fraud.

And a real Street fighter wouldn’t manage to receive the financial Cold Shoulder either.

Because to do so would mean that it takes utter stupidity in business and financial dealings to achieve that status.

Nor would he run a business at a loss for over a decade.

As for a large proportion of the Ibrox support being combative, they might be, but they rarely achieve anything in said combat.

As the article goes on, not only is Keevins heaping unwarranted praise on David Cunningham King, he also believes he’s some sort of genius, with excellent business acumen.

Have a look at this:

King has his finger on the pulse, even while living on another continent. It’s enough for him to assert in his outburst that the club’s true owners are the supporters. It is the rhetoric of the masses that cannot, in their eyes, be refuted by the ones King calls “faceless names who will go down in infamy in the club’s history”. If there was, as King wants, a vote taken tomorrow, he’d win by a landslide.

Indeed.

He has his finger on the pulse, even while living on another continent?

And of course, his excellent business acumen would ensure if a vote was taken tomorrow, he’d win by a landslide.

And the Ibrox club would continue as a loss making business without an overdraft facility.

Keevins conveniently forgets all of these unimportant details in his glowing praise of King, and his suitability as Ibrox Chairman.

He does mention the losses the club makes later in the article, but what’s funny about this is that he chooses to ignore that the very man he’s promoting in this article was the cause of such losses.

See below:

King smells trouble, in the form of that gap between the clubs becoming a yawning chasm, and wants to inject life into what he alleges to be an inert boardroom. If Celtic are presently an example of how money talks in a positive sense where advancement as a football club is concerned, R*****s are the exact opposite.

How many millions of pounds can be lost on a sustained basis while a catalogue of failure is recorded on the park at the same time? Internal differences are obvious and past scores are clearly being settled by King’s observation that the fans won’t stand for directors of the club who are in it for the “jacket and the tie”.

So, Keevins therefore believes that the very man responsible for the predicament the Ibrox club now finds itself in, is the person who can save it from that predicament?

How exactly?

With this famous investment of £50 million that King keeps talking about?

And who exactly is going to bring that investment?

Because it sure as hell isn’t going to be King.

If anything, King is doing what he’s doing at the moment to manoeuvre himself into a position where he might be able to extract the money he has tied up in the club.

Keevins genuinely seems to believe that King is the man to bring an end the Ibrox side’s woes.

That, in a nutshell shows the kind of journalist he really is.

It shows he has paid zero attention to what has gone on at Ibrox when King has been in power.

This next paragraph kind of sums it up:

But, once again, the man who would be king is only being true to the values he was brought up with in the post-war era. If somebody hits you, hit them back. I spent my own teenage years in another Glasgow scheme. I know the script off by heart. And I instinctively know the R*****s support will share King’s view of an apocalyptic future unless he gets inside the club again and takes control of the steering wheel.

Aside from the fact Keevins is trying to paint himself and King as some kind of hard men, which in itself is hilarious, he is actually promoting King as the man to “take control of the steering wheel at Ibrox”.

Picture the “there’s old people driving” episode of South Park, and you get all the picture you need to portray King in control of the steering wheel at Ibrox.

Throw Keevins in the passenger seat for good measure to top it all off.

Either way, it will only end in disaster.

Because its been nothing else besides when King has been behind the wheel at Ibrox.

Keevins finishes his article with this, and it has all the hallmarks of somebody who should really call it a day when it comes to journalism:

Rangers have lost 12 of the last 13 league titles to the team across the road on the other side of the city. Celtic have cash reserves on an unprecedented scale to guard against a rainy day, as well as the costliest squad of players ever assembled under their roof.

What am I bid? Not a lot in King’s estimation. He’s back in the fight and there will clearly be no-holds barred if his opening salvo against the existing board is any indication of what is to come. Doors to manual. We have lift-off.

Across the road on the other side of the City?

That’s like my mother saying, “get up and lie down” to our dog, because by my estimation, you’ll have to cross more than one road to get to the other side of the city from Ibrox to the East End.

And what am I bid?

Sorry Hugh, not catching your drift with that one Hugh, and while King might be back in the fight, he’s bringing a knife, a pack of cards, and a litany of failure to a gunfight when it comes to taking on Celtic on current form.

His opening salvo against the existing Ibrox board will be about as forceful as a wet fart.

And you know why?

Because this guy is nothing but bluster, and piss and wind.

Street fighter my arse.

We have lift off?

Seriously.

Give me a break.