Wow! The trophy room at Ibrox is set to be renovated – another step on the road to beating Celtic in the Close Season Cup

Well, well, well…

Stop the bus.

Hold the front page.

A double trophy haul has just landed at Ibrox.

It’s a paint roller and a tin of French polish.

The Scottish Sun tells us that the dead club are renovating the trophy room this summer.

Renovating it.

Not filling it.

Renovating it.

You see, there’s a difference, isn’t there?

One involves actually winning things.

The other involves sandpaper.

Apparently the in-house facilities team are giving the trophy room a “revamp”, in part funded by Club 1872 – or as we now know them, the sixth largest shareholder in Rangers 1872.

The press release calls it a “heritage fund investment”.

A heritage fund.

Of course it is.

When you haven’t won a league title in 14 years, what else are you going to invest in???

The future?

Don’t be silly.

The “heritage” is all they’ve got.

Make no mistake, peepul, the klanbase are odds on for the Close Season Cup

This is Sevco’s summer.

This is their season.

Make no mistake, they are now odds-on favourites for the Close Season Cup – the only piece of silverware they ever look like winning.

Are they serious??

Undefeated in painting.

Unbeaten in lighting upgrades.

Treble winners in tin-of-polish, fresh-photography, and pillar-removal.

Aren’t they just blessed??

Let me get this straight.

The trophy room is being touched up.

The Bill Struth Main Stand façade is having its panels replaced.

The Walter Smith statue is being fitted with new lights – pending approval from Glasgow City Council, mind, because even the lights on a statue need building compliance and the cooncil’s blessing.

And the Copland Rear stand balustrades are being replaced with a “glass design”.

A glass design.

In June.

But the Premiership trophy?

Oh wait…

That has only happened once in 14 years.

Sorry, my mistake.

Here is the actual club statement, because the comedy gold is in plain sight

Now that the season is over for our teams, several pieces of work are getting underway around Ibrox ahead of the new campaign.

The Ibrox playing surface is undergoing renovations to ensure it remains in pristine condition for the upcoming season.

Inside the stadium, the Members Lounge is also set for refurbishment, with new booth seating set to be installed alongside LED lighting, new flooring and further decorative work.

Across the corridor, the club’s in-house facilities team are undertaking a revamp of the trophy room, in part funded by Club 1872, including the installation of new lighting and extensive decoration. Much of this work has already been completed and visitors to the stadium will notice the fresh look in this iconic area of our home.

A “revamp of the trophy room”.

A revamp.

Read that one twice.

Three times, in fact.

Because there is something I want you to notice.

Not a single sentence in there about an actual trophy.

Not one.

The “extensive decoration” is doing all the heavy lifting.

So is the LED lighting.

So are the new booths in the Members Lounge.

Because the only way you fill the trophy room at the dead club these days is with mood lighting.

You don’t fill it with the Premiership.

You don’t fill it with the Scottish Cup.

And you don’t even fill it with the League Cup anymore, do you??

You fill it with French polish on the wooden panelling.

Indeed.

Meanwhile, across the city, the trophy room at Celtic Park has had a slightly different summer problem

How do you redecorate around an actual trophy??

Anybody?

Because over here we’ve had to find space for the Premiership trophy AND the Scottish Cup.

Martin O’Neill’s Double.

In his first season back.

Let that one sink in for a moment.

Where do you put the silverware when the cabinet’s already full?

I’ll tell you what, it’s a nicer problem to have than wondering whether Senga Murray fancies a wee touch-up on the Blue Room.

The Blue Room.

“Painting restoration works inside the Blue Room are being discussed with artist Senga Murray.”

That isn’t a press release.

That is satire.

If I’d written that as a parody, you’d accuse me of going too far.

And before anyone says “Eric, you’re just ranting into the void again” – yes, I probably am.

And of course, Andrew “Trophy Room” Cavenagh is straight back to work

We must keep the “fairytale castle” looking the part!

Spending money on paint and spending money on glass balustrades.

Spending money on a Walter Smith statue uplighter, pending approval from the cooncil.

Waitrose paint job.

Asda squad.

Let’s be honest here.

You wouldn’t catch theym spending Waitrose money on a centre back.

But the timbers in the Bill Struth Main Stand?

The timbers are getting a full electrical inspection.

Inspection AND testing.

Of the listed Main Stand.

Because the priority isn’t winning football matches.

The priority is building compliance.

Get it sorted, lads.

The Premiership trophy isn’t going to inspect itself.

Oh wait…

You don’t have it.

Sorry, my mistake.

So what is actually on the agenda for the new Ibrox season?

Fresh photography in the corridor.

New flooring in the Members Lounge.

A glass design on the balustrades.

A team of painters operating between Ibrox, Edmiston House, the Rangers Training Centre and the Ibrox Community Complex, “freshening up several areas in preparation for the season ahead”.

That’s their summer rebuild.

That’s the kulture and that’s the masterplan.

A cardboard cut out would achieve more in the Raynjurz transfer market than this lot.

At least the cardboard cut out wouldn’t need a fresh coat of paint to feel important.

Make no mistake, peepul.

The Close Season Cup is theirs.

Undefeated and unbeaten.

Untouched and unbowed.

The treble of paint, polish, and pretendy heritage – delivered.

And in the end, that is all they’ve got left.

A revamped corridor.

A re-photographed wall.

A glass balustrade in the Copland Rear so that the klanbase can get a better view of third place.

Sad, but true.

Six-in-a-row incoming, peepul.

Mine’s a double.

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