Ivor Pandur wants to ‘learn from the best’ at Ibrox? Greegsy will teach him plenty about staunchness and hating Celtic – the medals, though, he’ll be waiting…

Ivor Pandur has been at Ibrox all of five minutes, and already he’s worked something out.

There’s nobody on this earth better placed to teach him how to hoist trophies than Allan McGregor.

Indeed.

Take it away, Andy Newport and the Daily Record.

The big Croatian keeper, we’re told, has given up the chance to fight for Premier League action at Hull.

Instead, he’s come to “scrap for silverware in Scotland”.

Six million smackers they’ve paid for him, with Jack Butland shipped the other way for three.

And the first thing this £6 million man does when he walks through the door at Ibrox?

He goes looking for Greegsy.

“I want to learn from the best, and that’s why I came as well,” says Pandur.

The best.

Let me get this straight, right.

He’s crossed a continent, turned his back on the EPL, and signed up under Derek Siege Mentality McInnes because he wants to “learn from the best”.

And the best, in Ivor’s eyes, is a goalkeeping coach whose glittering medal haul was mostly won by a club that died in 2012.

You couldn’t make it up.

I shit you not, that’s the actual quote.

Now, don’t get me wrong.

Nobody is disputing that Allan McGregor could keep goal.

Four league titles, nine cups, forty-two Scotland caps – a fine career, no argument here.

The wee problem is that the bulk of that silverware belongs to Rangers 1872.

You know, the dead club.

The one they only remember when it’s time to count the trophies.

And conveniently forget when the compensation bills for Gordon Neely and Harry Dunn land on the mat.

Dead when it suits them.

Alive and well when there’s a medal to boast about.

But it isn’t goalkeeping Greegsy will be teaching young Ivor. It’s the dark arts.

Because if there’s one thing Allan McGregor is genuinely, world-class, elite-level staunch at, it’s this.

Hating Celtic.

That’s the real syllabus at the Ibrox goalkeeping academy.

Lesson one: learn every word of Simply the Best, and belt it out until your lungs give in.

Lesson two: the elbow, the stamp, the sleekit dig off the ball when the referee’s looking the other way.

Lesson three, and the most important one of all…

“Ye need tae hate the Sellick, son. Really, really hate them. It’s the only wae ye’ll ever be a proper Ibrox keeper.”

Staunch.

That’s the masterclass Ivor Pandur has flown in for.

Pandur did his homework before signing, mind. He rang three men who all lost to Celtic.

I’m not making this up, it’s in the article.

Before committing to the move, our Ivor got himself on the phone to two Hull team-mates.

John Lundstram and Kieron Dowell, both of whom served their time in Govan.

Then, for good measure, he rang Antonio Colak too.

Three men who pulled on the jersey, gave it their all, and between the lot of them couldn’t lay a glove on Celtic’s era of dominance.

That’s the panel of expert witnesses Ivor consulted.

Blood, sweat, staunchness, and not a single title between them to show for it against us.

Convenient character references, aren’t they?

“They told me it is pressure,” Pandur says.

Aye, son.

They’d know all about that.

“I think Rangers is one of the biggest clubs in Europe,” he adds.

One of the “biggest clubs in Europe”.

Of course you do, Ivor.

Of course you do.

Every single one of them arrives believing that.

And every single one of them leaves a little quieter than when they came in.

He’ll add to his medal collection, we’re told – which currently stands, in its entirety, at one Croatian Cup.

At Ibrox.

Where they’ve watched Celtic lift 14 of the last 15 titles.

Fourteen.

Out of fifteen.

Best of luck with that particular ambition, big man.

Meanwhile, he made his bow in a 2-1 pre-season win over St Etienne on Wednesday night, walking out to the Ibrox crowd for the first time.

“A lovely experience,” he called it.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Because the friendlies are the easy bit.

The lovely experience tends to curdle somewhat around the time the real games start and Celtic come calling.

The truth is Ivor Pandur has signed up to learn from a man who is ‘simply the best’ at exactly one thing.

And it isn’t stopping shots.

Greegsy will drum the staunchness into him, no doubt about it.

He’ll have Pandur hating the Fenians and word-perfect on the songbook before August is out.

He’ll teach him the elbows, the theatrics, and the art of the never-ending grievance.

What he won’t be able to teach him is how to beat Celtic.

Because Greegsy never quite managed to do enough of that himself, did he?

We break them all in the end.

No problem.

We broke Butland.

We broke Captain Disappointed.

And in time, we’ll break Ivor Pandur too.

Welcome to Glasgow, son.

You’re going to need those beta blockers…

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