Is Keith Jackson a comedian or a journalist? This Celtic blogger is is struggling to figure out which…

I read Keith Jackson’s latest piece upon his return from holiday in the Record this morning.

If I’m being honest, it left me scratching my head.

I just can’t take this guy seriously, which leads me to believe he doesn’t take himself seriously.

Which then makes me think he’s a comedian.

Because he really had me in stitches with today’s piece.

I had to a do a double take at some points, and re-read certain statements and ask myself, did he actually really write that with a serious face?

I’m not going to cover all of the article just certain aspects of it.

The ones I would consider to be comedy gold.

Here’s the first part that made me laugh, not because it’s actually funny, it is, but it’s stupidly funny:

And then the late surge of rediscovered pride at Rugby Park as Barry Ferguson and his died-in-the-wool backroom staff came up with the kind of cunning plan which would have been beyond the managerial boundaries of the Belgian Baldrick.

The Belgian Baldrick?

Well, if Clement was Baldrick, I guess that must make Bazza Lieutenant The Hon. George Colthurst St. Barleigh, with a similar brain capacity to the witless Lieutenant.

George always seemed to be able to blunder his way through situations and get off lightly.

But every so often, he fell flat on his face, similar to what Bazza did on Saturday against Motherwell.

And just to let Keith know, I don’t think any of Bazza’s backroom staff have suffocated in a ball of wool.

The term you are looking for Keith, is dyed-in-the wool, which would mean they have very strong, and uncompromising beliefs.

Which they do, but they don’t have a tendency to get smothered to death in wool.

Moving on swiftly.

Keith Jackson then decided to talk “legalities”:

On the contrary, Cavenagh’s US consortium is closing in on its ambition to scoop up more than 50 per cent of the Ibrox business and, most importantly, all parties involved have displayed a strong willingness to get it over the line. While it won’t be done until the ink has dried, there is a strong belief that binding contracts will be signed off just as soon as the legalities have been checked and double checked by lawyers.

Now, as we’re all acutely aware, the Ibrox side’s relationship with legalities has been somewhat questionable down throughout the years.

And when you’re dealing with a convicted criminal, legalities tend to be sort of bothersome things.

We don’t bother with such trivialities.

And then we get the cold shoulder from the City of London.

Now, one wonders how the Ibrox side’s relationship with inconvenient legalities will check out with the 49ers Enterprises’ fancy pants lawyers?

Keith’s got one thing right when he says they’ll have to be checked and double checked.

It’s that very double checking that might land them in a spot of bother when it comes to this miracle takeover.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

But it gets better, much better.

I had tears rolling down my cheeks when I read this paragraph:

For the time being, it’s up to Ferguson, Neil McCann, Billy Dodds and Allan McGregor to stop the ship from sinking completely and it stands to reason the Americans will be watching on with interest. They’ve been paying very close attention from the start. And it’s entirely possible that Cavenagh and partner Paraag Marathe will have been quietly impressed with what they’ve seen over the last week or so, as Ferguson has succeeded at least in reconnecting with the club’s supporters.

Hun Direction managed to plug one hole in the good ship Ibrox on Wednesday night, but their shoddy workmanship was brutally exposed when Motherwell holed them below the waterline again on Saturday.

Keith loves his maritime references, so I’ll keep in step with him on that score.

But any notion that it’s entirely possible that Cavenagh, (lovely Irish name, that) and partner Padraig Moriarty, (see what I did there?) will have been quietly impressed by what they’ve seen in the last week or so is absolutely moonhowlingly batshit.

Go sell crazy some place else, Keith!

And Ferguson has succeeded in at least reconnecting with the club’s supporters?

Well, of course he has, it takes someone as thick as them to connect with them.

Paddy Stewart knew that much when he let Bazza loose on the first team squad.

He knew badge kissing, and winning mentalities, and foaming at the mouth pre-match and post-match talks would be the order of the day.

But Keith thinks the yanks are quietly impressed by all that?

More like quietly scratching their heads trying to figure out what the hell is actually going on!

The next part I’d like to talk about is absolute comedic fantasy of the highest order.

Get a load of this:

But if he can somehow recover from this shock over the space of the next 10 days, find a way to take down Jose Mourinho’s Fenerbahce and claim a place in the quarter finals of the Europa League then Ferguson will also announce himself to the American owners in waiting.

With a trip to Celtic Park to follow and another Old Firm derby to come before the end of the campaign, the former skipper and his coaching staff could still make a splash with the money men across the pond and, at the very least, give them something to think about as they prepare their own next steps.

Find a way to take down Jose Mourinho’s Fenerbahce?

Oh Jesus, somebody shake me out of my convulsions here!

The only thing that will take down Jose Mourinho’s Fenerbahce is a f***ing howitzer!

I wonder if Bazza asked the armed forces lads to leave one behind for him on Saturday?

Because that’s about the only chance they have of stopping Jose Mourinho and his Fenerbahce side.

Ironically, Mourinho will most likely be the one who uses the Ibrox side as cannon fodder.

Not the other way around.

The notion that Bazza will announce himself to the yanks by masterminding the defeat of Jose Mourinho is just pure comedy gold.

Keith has to be on the wind up.

Genuinely, he has to be!

He goes one further by saying that if Bazza and his motley crew can beat us at Celtic Park, they could “still make a splash with the money men across the pond”.

The kind of splash you make when you piss the mafia off and you end up with a concrete pair of wellingtons on, yeah?

Or at the very least, give them something to think about as they prepare their own next steps?

Eh yeah, don’t slam the door on yer way out lads!

Following that, Jackson’s sycophantic praise of Bazza is puke inducing, get a load of this:

Having worked closely with Ferguson at this newspaper over the years, personal experience dictates that he is not a man to underestimate. He’s a great deal smarter than his critics like to make out.

He certainly thought carefully and strategically about the make-up of his backroom team even though the invitation to replace Clement came at him literally out of the blue last weekend.

Ah, now it’s all becoming clear.

Keith developed a bromance with Bazza while they worked together.

He’s a great deal smarter than his critics like to make out?

Judging by what you’ve written here Keith, you and him share similar intellects.

Because to state that he thought carefully and strategically about the make up of his backroom team is like saying that Donald Trump thought through the garbage he spouted in his meeting with Volodomyr Zelenskyy last week.

The only thing that went into Bazza’s thought process was joabs for the boys!

This final piece was the coup de grace though:

Funnily enough, former Celtic and Scotland boss Gordon Strachan has a long held theory where the dynamics of constructing any dressing room are concerned. And one which applies to life in general as well as to the current crisis situation inside Auchenhowie.

According to Strachan the world is, for the most part, made up of two types of people – drains and radiators. Drains suck the life out of any room. Conversely, radiators tend to raise the energy levels through the roof.

Now, can anyone tell me who puts drains in a room, other than in a bathroom?

I just don’t see the logic here, the only room you’d put drains in is in your bathroom, in the shower and in the sink.

And if you didn’t, then you’d flood the room, sucking the life out of it anyway.

Jesus, can you see what Keith has done to me here?

He has me discussing the logic of putting drains in a room!

Honestly, he either knows what he’s doing, or he’s just making it up as he goes along.

I suspect it has to be the latter.

He finishes the article with the dim hope that Bazza will mastermind the defeat of Fenerbahce and Celtic, thus landing himself the Ibrox gig on a permanent basis.

Now, if that isn’t the result of his and Bazza’s bromance at the Record, I don’t know what is!

Keith Jackson.

Enigma, or just plain stupid?

I’ll let you be the judge of that.