Its no wonder Celtic’s transfer bids are being ‘laughingly rejected’. We are fast becoming a laughing stock in this window!

So, I’m trying to wrap my head around the way the Celtic board conducts it’s transfer negotiations at the moment.

In my thought process, I’m thinking about the way the board, namely Michael Nicholson, and co. are dealing with these negotiations.

To get your bids ‘laughingly rejected’, as reported in today’s Record, you must be a pretty amusing negotiator.

Right?

But laughed at, rather than laughed with, if you catch my drift?

So I’m trying to envisage in my mind’s eye what one of these laughable transfer negotiations would sound like over the phone.

I’m going to give a stab at it.

I’ll use the latest shenanigans with Go Ahead Eagles, and the derisory offers that have been tabled for Jakob Breum.

Now, the Record says that Celtic have been ‘frustrated’ in their attempts to get more signings over the line.

Frustration entirely of our creation, I’d say.

But anyway, let’s pretend this is how one of these conversations goes.

MN will obviously be Michael Nicholson, MVH will be Marc van Hintum, the technical manager at Go Ahead Eagles, who is in charge of player transfers.

We’ll start where van Hinten has just accepted Michael Nicholson’s call.

MVH: Hello Michael, good to talk with you, what can I do for you?

MN: Hello Marc, I’m just calling about your young winger, Jakob Breum, we’re actually quite interested in signing him, is he available for purchase?

MVH: Well, I shupposhe that dependsh on the offer you make me Michael…

MN: We feel considering his age and experience to date that £1.5 million is a fair offer.

MVH: (Muffled laughter in the background) You do, do you?

MN: Well, yes. He’s only 21 and he has limited experience, so we feel this is a good offer…

MVH: You conshider 67 appearancshes in the Eredivshie ash limited? In addition to 11 goalsh lasht seashon?

MN: (Prolonged pause and muffled chatter in the background) Its a fair offer….

MVH: That’sh all you’ve got for me? I’d suggesht talking to your people and coming back to me. Ash of now, I’m not even entertaining that. Tell me, how many appearancshes did Nicolas Kuhn make for your club?

MN: I’m not sure, I’ll have to check that. (More muffled chatter in the background) Okay Peter, okay, I’ll tell him. Ehhhh, 69 appearances….

MVH: And the Shcottish Premiership is of a higher shtandard than the Eredivishie, you think?

MN: There were also European appearances….

MVH: Fair enough, so thoshe European appearances made hish value £17 million, yesh?

MN: Yes, exactly.

MVH: Well Jakob hashn’t made any European appearancshes, but he hash only had two lessh appearancshes than your former vinger, on that basish, we value him somewhere between £4.5 to £5 million. So I’d suggesht you go back to your people and come back with a better offer than £1.5 million. To be quite frank, that’sh embarrasshing.

MN: Okay Marc, I’ll talk to Pet…..my people and I’ll come back to you.

MVH: (Laughter from MVH) I look forward to it Michael, until then, tot ziens.

As we know, Michael Nicholson sat on his first offer over the weekend.

So we’ll take the story up after the weekend again, when Celtic submitted their second offer.

MVH: Hello again Michael, I’m hoping your not back on in an attempt to make me laugh shome more?

MN: Hello Marc, no, no, we’re serious about signing Jakob, so we’re going to double our previous offer.

MVH: Shay again?

MN: We’re doubling our previous offer to £3 million.

MVH: Michael, are you sherious moun? I told you our valuation lasht week, that’sh shtill nowhere near it.

MN: We feel its a fair offer.

MVH: Michael, Micheal, your definition of fair and my definition of fair are clearly very different. That ish not a fair offer!

MN: We feel its fair.

MVH: Michael, itsh pretty shimple, I gave you a valuation for Jakob, you are nowhere near it. That offer ish an inshult to ush. Therefore, hish value hash jusht increashed, the ashking price ish now £6.5 million. Go back to your people, get serioush, and then come back to ush.

MN: (Muffled curses and more talking in the background) Peter says…..sorry, I say we need to think about it.

MVH: Don’t think too hard my friend, it ishn’t rocket shcience. I gave you a price, you are nowhere near it. You gave Como a price for Nicolas Kuhn, you would not shell the player until they met your valuation, correct? We vork on the very shame concshept, shurely you undershtand thish?

MN: Yes, I do, but you’re being notoriously difficult here. We feel £3 million is a fair offer.

MVH: Think again, my friend. You’re the one being difficult, becuashe thish is all very shimple. Make me a reshpectable offer, then we can talk. Right now, your are dishreshpecting me and alsho Jakob.

MN: Okay, I’ll talk to my people and get back to you Marc.

MVH: Can I make a shuggeshtion to you Michael?

MN: By all means.

MVH: If you’re going to call me again, don’t washte my time nexsht time with a dishreshpectful offer. Everybody who negotiatesh with your club reshpects you. I expect the shame courteshy in return. Not too much to ashk, is it?

MN: No, no, its not, but you have to understand, Pet……I mean I, only have a limited transfer budget to work with. These transfer windows are notoriously difficult, so I’m doing my best here.

MVH: Now you’re really inshulting my intelligencshe, Michael. We know your club ish qvuite vealthy. Sho ash I shaid, if you call me again, show shome reshpect, undershtood?

MN: We’ll need to think about it.

MVH: Vell, you do that, but ash I shaid, you needn’t think too hard. I’ve been more than clear with you on thish. £6.5 million ish the ashking pricshe. Your ‘people’ are not shupporting you too vell if they cannot shee the picture here. Ve’ll talk again shoon, or not at all, up to you.

MN: Okay. Leave it with me, and we’ll speak soon.

MVH: Tot Ziens, Micheal.

There you have it.

That’s how I picture these transfer negotiations going.

I think it’s how any reasonable person would see it.

If you lowball a club well below the valuation of their player, then all you’re doing is disrespecting them.

They will either pull out of the negotiations altogether, or keep hiking up the price of the player out of irritation.

This is how I see our bids being ‘laughingly rejected’.

But what do I know?

I’m just a lowly Celtic blogger.

I’m sure Michael Nicholson and Peter Lawwell know better.

That’s why this window has been such a resounding success so far.

Isn’t it?